17 february 2024

it's been a while
i really don't wanna make this a monthly thing, but i guess they're the only times i'd be motivated enough to journal anythinghrt & laser
it happened so quick, and i thought i'd never be at this point, but i'm finally doing hrt :D as of the day of this journal, it's been 18 days since i started hrt. i haven't noticed any symptoms yet, but i've noticed that my semen went away within only 3 days (don't ask how i know). to keep track of my symptoms, i made this nifty table of all of my symptoms that i had, have, and will have according to the table of the listed symptoms that a trans girl would have when doing hrt. i am pretty excited for the future, but it is a little frightening to realize that change is happening in my body, but at a very slow rate. it's basically like puberty, but you know exactly when it started happening, (that's basically hrt innit?)therapy
i went to another therapy session on the 25th of january, and it went pretty well. i think the therapist emphasized on trying to make me continue my life withput thinking of the traumas as much as possible. i kinda had a breakthrough (or a huge understanding) (that happened after the session) that, yes, normal people feel very sad upon realizing that... bad things are occuring to certain people. however, those normal people are able to control their emotions, and not let them drag them down completely and make them feel miserable, cuz whatever happens, ya gotta move on, right? however, for me, i really didn't learn how to control my emotions, and so, upon learning about a certain person's situation on reddit, and another certain person on a wikipedia article i came across, instead of being sad about it, and moving on the next day, i got another full blown trauma as a result :D
my next session is on march 14th (which just happens to be on pi day) and i wanna update him with my symptoms, and also talk about potentially healing my first trauma, and explain to him a possibility of why i have the 2nd trauma.
sleeping schedule
i think, fir the first time ever, i am able to stick with a sleeping wchedule. it's not aa great right now (i'm typing this at midnight 17 feb) but it's better than last time in which it's almost impossible for me to keep a sleeping wchedule. i truly am a girl with like 0 sleeping schedule.
art & other hobby related stuff
i finished an art piece for space kidd, and i gave it to her and she loved it. it kinda reminded me of why i keep, and want to continue to do art; i wanna make ppl happy with all of the fanart i wanna do :3 (and of course i'll mak emyself happy by drawing my own persona)
i've also been wanting to go back to playing piano and language. i've decided to go back to the strategy i did 2 yesrs ago; monthly goals
im not sure what i should do for march, but im thinking either language or piano. probably language.im glad i can still get on my feet and walk :) there were things pushing me down, but... i try to get up as best as i can.
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20 january 2024

charting tc songs
charting takes such a long time to do, but im nearly at the end of it. after im done charting, im gonna "quit", or atleast take a really long break, because time is better spent doing something more fulfilling than endlessly making the same thing over and over, which is hogging much of my time that i could put into creative works instead. and then i'll look into getting back into playing piu.time schedules
i've been trying to get a consistent sleeping schedule. in december, i discovered that i don't sleep for 10 hours. i sleep just 8 like a normal human being, just that i stay in bed for 2 more hours scrolling through my ipad. i've been trying to remedy this by setting an alarm to wake me up at 7 am (i'll talk later why) and basically making a code that'll yell at me after i've been in bed for more than 25 mins. it's ehhh working somewhat, and i still find myself getting up to close the alarm, and still going back to sleep. i wanna wake up earlier, but it's very difficult to do so.
my ideal schedule in my dtd life is to go to starbucks at 7 am, cuz that's when it opens, and also there aren't alot of people at that time, which makes mornings really comforting. and after the entire mall opens at 11, i go play piu, and i'll come back home to do computer stuff, if there's anything to do.days repeating w/ no change
recently i've been feeling alot of "the days are the same thing over and over", and i think that might be cuz im just not going out. wanting to do something different, so my life feels different. not too different, of course, else my autistic brain will get too overwhelmed. i wanna do things like draw more, do more origami, play piano, etc. i've just been held back by both making charts for pump it up and playing open hexagon. last will be destroyed very soon.mcsr
i might get into speedrunning mc. might.
recently met a girl called mach (pronounced "mock"), and she's nice. she's trans so that's a thing similar. i wanna become friends with her, and maybe some other ppl who speedrun mcsr. they seem chill.mental health
my mental health has been improving. i think ever since i vented about it in the two therapy sessions i've had, my feelings have gotten better. i still have some flashbacks, but they're more of "peeking through the window" at the traumas instead of "being forced into the room", and so i've gotten better at regulating when they appear. i've also just been focusing more on doing my stuff. both of the trans subreddits are still too much for me to reenter, so that might not happen anytime soon. although, the good side is that reddit is another social media i've gotten rid of.
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9 january 2024

hii'm recovering :)life's been really difficult but im holding it togethertalked about it to the therapist and he said to focus on the present, and not let your mind wander around the negativity
he also said that you never really know what someone is truly feelingfocusing on completing my trombone chanp charting list, and i'll be feee
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5 november 2023

CONTENT WARNING: LOTS OF VENTING AND THE USE OF F SLUR

yo yo what's up it's your absolutely depressed girl paper herelife hasn't been good :( or atleast my feelings haven't been top notch.transphobia (again)
so, the last time i went to therapy, nothing actually changed much, but i think i just felt a bit better because of time. all i did was kinda stated my fear from seeing ppl post, and coming out to the therapist (which i'll talk about later)
i was recovering, until
one night, i decided to open up reddit at 3 am, and wishing "i sure hope there aren't any transphobia"
the first post was about transphobic parents (as well as the second.)
one bad thing about being able to read fast is that you absorb information really quickly, so i didn't even have a second to look away from the image of the post.
the post was about how their parents forced their daughter to cut their hair. for some reason, i looked into the comments, and the child said that their parents basically pinned them down, and cut her hair by like 2cm.
after seeing that, i basically couldn't sleep for another 2 hours. the thought (not even thought, this is a fact) of their transphobic parents being this abusive was excruciatingly painful to me. i cried about it that day, and it just really hurts.
up to this day (which has been like a week), it still hurts to think about. it fucking hurts. like, why do you want to abuse your child that badly because they didn't wanna cut their hair??? why do you have to be abusive to your child? i don't fucking get it
i'm suffering. because this trans girl is suffering. i get thoughts of what i read about her and her transphobic parents everyday now. it's not fun.
i wish i could let go, but i don't know how. it hurts every single day to keep thinking about the abuse done to that poor trans girl. i don't know what to do.
i told my mom to schedule an appointment to a therapist, and she said it won't be available till december 21. which is really long. i don't know if i can survive for 1.5 more months of this fucking event of the trans girl stuck in my fucking head. i don't FUCKING KNOW WHAT TO DO
I WISH HER PARENTS CAN BURN IN HELL, FUCKING FAGGOTSi've identified 5 previous experiences with not transphobic, but just generally abusive (or just bad) parents.
the first one was about someone whom i dated for 4 months in 2020. i can't remember much, but the family just aren't financially doing great, and the parents would just be unfair to who i was dating. i currently don't know how they're doing.
another was about a trans girl on twitter who had their, not just internet, but phone access restricted by their parents. she said her goodbyes on may 2020, and i haven't heard from her since. likewise i don't know how she's doing.
the 3rd is about a trans girl who i saw on twitter because of julica. julica bullied her, and so i looked through the trans girl's profile, and apparently her parents kicked her out. the last post of her that i remember was about her grieving of some sort, i don't remember well.
the 4th was about a person who i met for a short while on reddit. they then told me to switch talking to another unfamiliar website, until they told me that they couldn't talk to me anymore because their parents were restricting access to be social with anyone online. they really were sad about it, and i couldn't do anything.
the last person, i don't remember how we met, but they were on skype, and we talked quite a bit on there. she and another person on discord (whom is doing fine) was like the only 2 people i was close with. i remember her saying smth like moving houses or smth. it's all really fuzzy because it's been so long, but i think she's just not in a very good place. she might have also been a pedophile, but i was not hurt by her.it hurts to think about all of this, and i don't know what to do about it any more. i can't continue to live like this, if the thoughts of all of the trans girls i've mentioned have been, or are continuing to be abused. if i could, i would yell at them to leave home and find better life outside, but... y'know, you can't do much.
i just hope they all soon will live better lives. when they turn 18 and hopefully have some more choices other than being stuck with their abusive, transphobic parents. if i believed in any god, i'd say lord please bless them and let them be free from suffering.
i've yet to have a good nights sleep since i read that reddit post.right now all i can do is find some help, and wait for the 2 month long waiting time for the therapist. i don't know how things will be in the next 2 months. i kinda use this journal as an outlet. im not worried about who will read this, but i just hope that i can feel better some way by doing this; jotting down my thoughts.coming out
last therapy session, i came out to my therapist. he didn't mind much, but just asked me, like, what do you wanna talk about, about transgender
i asked him 2 things; what to do when i see people venting about their trans life, or their transphobic parents, and how i should come out to my parents and what terminology i should use in thai. i don't know alot of thai, so it was troublesome to find words to come out to my parents. i came out to my mom on halloween, and she was accepting.
that session, i forgot to ask about what to do with thoughts of trans ppl suffering coming up in my head, so i gotta wait until the next session to talk about it to the therapist now.
im not sure if i can wait tho.sleepover update
i guess i should give an update about what happened to the sleepover i went to. i wore a skirt there, and weirdly enough no one asked alot about it, i think it's because everyone was already pretty used to me just being weird me, which i am fine with. i was also kinda forced to wear a skirt, because the short pants that i wore at that time had no pockets, so i had to use my skirt to get pockets.overall, life hasn't been great. my sleep is still shifting alot, so i don't get to go out, which means i get to stay home and be sad. i really hope i can get around to dealing with suffering because trans ppl are suffering. i'm still trying to figure out why i have such strong emotional feelings about transphobic parents, or just abusive parents in general.
future me, if ur reading this, i hope you're feeling better. i can't imagine not suffering because trans ppl are suffering. it'll be hard.また... whenever i come back to this journal again.
i think this might be my longest journal session yet.
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27 september 2023

CONTENT WARNING: VENTING

hi.transphobia and controllessness
a few days ago i learnt about a trans fem person who made a map of which states in the united states should trans people not visit. this was a great insight, except that it made me feel worse for the people who live there. even one person told me they live in florida. fyi, florida passed a law that will criminalize trans people for going into the "wrong" bathroom
it just... fucking hurts to succumb to the realization that i can't do anything about it, that these people will continue suffering in their lives, unable to change anything until the distant future.
i have no control over it. i can't do anything about it.
there are alot of people suffering anyways.
i'm sure that my therapist has told me to just ignore them, that you can't do anything about it, so you shouldn't think about it. he talked about how people are free to talk about anything in their lives on discord, so they'll talk about it bad or good. but, this isn't a discord thing. this is a real world thing. the thought of ppl suffering lingers in my brain, and it hurts.therapiss
it's hard to tell if i'm recovering. it's clear i can't resolve my feelings easily. i may talk about it to my therapist.
last time i wrote a blog, i thought i'd be going to the therapist tomorrow, but it's unfortunately been pushed to next month and a half. it's now on 10th october.sleepover
i'm sorry that most of what i've said is basically vent. let's move on from it.
on the 8th october, im going to my friend's house for another sleepover again yayyyy
last time i went there on april fools, i wore a skirt as a "joke" cuz i thought only one girl was going there.
but now, im going as a girl. full girl mode engaged. i don't care what people think, if i have to come out as trans to them, i will. but i'm going there being a girl as much as possible no matter what happens.
and it excites me.
my heart even skips a beat at the thought of me going there and going outside dressed up as a girl for the first time.
being a girl.
.i don't have much else to say. i just really wanted to ramble.
bye
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27 august 2023

it's been a looong whilelife's just almost been the same. i think i enjoy waking up at later times, because i can just interact more with people instead of waking up super early. the thing about waking up super early is that no one is up. so, why bother? also, you gotta sleep early, which ugghhhh
i've been questioning why life's just really stagnant. i might talk about it with my therapist. i wanna play piano.goal in life
my ultimate goal in life is to not get forgotten
to do something that'll be set in stone
to make a profound impact to atleast one person
to be, not always respected, but remembered in a communityjapanese and life
i haven't made as much progress as i want. i inatead got distracted trying to make a drawing for the viosa community, making even more trombone champ charts (WHICH MAY I ADD, I SAID TO NOT MAKE ANY THIS MONTH), and video editing.
i think i gotta start limiting myself a bit, and be done with what i want to be done with. i'll do a last trombone champ chart, and i won't make another for a while. i'll make a last really-long-to-plan-out-for video, and i won't make any more that takes this much time.
i just wanna focus on japanese, and i know i'll be happy if i do, because it- it's japanese, i really wanna talk with the people in the language i feel like i could really be passionate in!!! i also wanna do more stuff in japanese and i can't do that because i keep getting distracted by alot of things!! URRGGHHHtherapy
last half a month, i skipped going to therapy because my sleeping schedules weren't alinged as i hoped it to be. i'll try to sleep more regularly. but again, so much to do.
i wanna talk more about discord, and things like "i never had any irl friends like others, wtf do i do", things like that which i think i have written down in notes, i'm not sure. maybe i'll think of more sad things to rant about to my therapist.
i also thought about telling the therapy about my fetishes and kinks, but... they're not impacting my life. so why talk about it if they're not negative?
i think i'll also include talking about coming out to my mom so i can get my legs lasered so they won't be hairy and i can enjoy my life a little more, looking a lil more feminine ehehefuture life
it's scary. in october, im gonna be staying for a few days in japan to talk about the university i'm going in. if i already can't regulate my sleep schedule, how tf do i expect to live alone in japan? i really have no idea.
i also thought about jobs, and... i...
i don't have a clue what i want to do.
im scared.おはようございます。紙です。紙like in 折り紙. よろしくお願いします
.i'll talk about the future to my therapist as well, i guess.
i gotta sleep; it's almost 2 am. i wish anyone reading this a comfy life.
i hope things go well.
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4 august 2023

hi
a number of things has happenedjapanese
so, i finally started learning japanese
beforehand, i already learnt to read hiragana and katakana. it's been fun being able to read like a really small slither of whatever japanese text there is. things like ふわふわ or プシ～～. don't ask what that means.
yesterday, i got genki as a pdf online from some place, and started learning the boring stuff. i think i'm gonna learn japanese kinda the same way as viosa, just prioritizing what makes me happy instead of learning whatever genki throws at me, which may not make it fun. i've learnt what to not do when i was learning spanish, and it's not gonna repeat.creating or reaching goals
if i had to choose between reaching goals or achievements in rhythm games, like getting an S on a song that i've been trying for months, or creating a beatmap, chart, level, or any kind of art,
i would choose to create.when i achieve something i've been trying for months, i get extremely ecstatic, adrenaline rushing me.
when i create something, i'm hoping people enjoy my creation. if they do, then that makes them happy, which in return, makes me happy. creating fuels my happiness more often than achieving something, since i know that what i've created, many people may cherish it for hours or years, and that it'll stick around and make me not forgotten in life.i'm not saying that i'm gonna quit rhythm games anytime soon, but i think what's important is prioritizing what truly makes me happy.
akin to lily's comic, creating makes me fulfilled like nothing else.i think what you need to spend the most time thinking about is what makes you happy..
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25 july 2023

meow
art inspirations
hey did you know that these are my 4 main inspirations from people in art!!!!!!
- jaidenanimations simplistic artstyle
- hosuh's artstyle/plan3 simplistic artstyle/perspective
- beesukii simplistic artstyle/facial expressions
- chauta perspective/facial expressions.
therapiss
maybe i'll journal tomorrow i really don't have the brain power to journal today ;w; i went to the therapist again, and asked him questions, he gave answers, and it's all up to me to improve myself now wish me luck or give me encouragement, however you want..
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19 july 2023

やっほ～
search to compress audio at lowest bitrate possible is over
i may have accidentally gone down a rabbit hole of trying to convert my music to lowest quality possible again... this is the third time ;w;although this attempt was different. it was successful.it first started with me searching up "converting songs to 1kbps" to start with. i found this website which for some reason lets you freely customize bitrate all the way to 1kbps. i converted the song "last goodbye - undertale" into mp3 and opus. it was entertaining, but i was dubious, because neither mp3 nor opus supported 1kbps audio. i was not satisfied, and kept looking.i continued by searching "codec that supports low audio bitrate." the previous 2 codecs that i found, speex and codec2, no converters support it, so i wanted to find alternate codecs in hopes of finding some converters for it. i wanted to search for a wikipedia article for lists of audio coding formats for speech, but i couldn't find it for some reason.
i tried learning more about codec 2 by just... searching "codec 2" and MAYBE by chance, i'm gonna find some converters out there that's gonna support the codec 'codec 2.'i found this website which gave "samples of Codec 2 on music!"
i thought this would be the furthest i could reach, seeing that there were some people who actually are interested in getting their music downgraded to shit quality.i searched "decode mp3 to codec2" and this was the search that did it.
i found a wordpress website called "low bit net" with the subtitle "The less bits the better." i figured this particular person also found interest in downgrading their music. i found a blog by that person called "Easier way to Play Codec2 in Windows with JC2Rec"
they mentioned that someone had made a gui for encoding anything into codec2, and links to a website here.
yada yada i downloaded the program, and it supports recording your voice and encoding it into codec2. it can also play back the recently recorded file.i thought this was finally it. however, of course the program doesn't support decoding music, only encoding. what i had to do was make the computer record the audio in the computer instead of an external mic.
should be easy
noti looked up tutorials, and all of them lead to using stereo mix, an audio driver that uses the computer audio as the microphone, which isn't supported on my computer because it is not a custom build. what i had to do was do everything on my old i7 9th gen laptop instead. what i did was compress the program into rar, and upload the rar and "last goodbye" on discord, and download it on my laptop. i enabled stereo mix there, and started recording on the program, and played the song.at this moment, relief flooded me. it comforted me like me in bed surrounded by pillows.
the search to convert my music to the lowest bitrate possible has ended.i ended the recording on the software and played it back. because this program only exported c2 files, i needed to record the playback with audacity; no biggie. i then saved the audacity mp3 and uploaded it into discord.it's over..
other stuff
i've been trying to find time to do everything. unfortunately, when you have time to do anything, you have no time to do nothing. it's a bit stressful living life in which you wanna do everything, but you also don't have time to do anything. i should get my prioritiesohl5 has started, and it's been fun getting 69s on all scores again.i don't expect to update this blog/journal everyday, and i don't expect anyone to read it. but i'll try journaling when i can.
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14 july 2023

hi :)i've graduated high school now
i have nothing left academically to look forward to in life (except university i guess but that'll be for a while)
at first i was ecstatic, but now i'm not sure what to do
being goalless is probably the worst thing in the world, cuz that could spiral into getting depression. i suppose i can finish up on whatever projects i have in my mind now. draw some more, pump it up here and there, chart more trombone champ songs.
tomorrow i actually have a visit to a therapist. there are some things that i want cleared up since the last time i went there. it'll be my second session. i remember the first session, venting about things and this that yon, and what the therapist boiled down, in my perspective, is basically if you think of the bad things, think about good things. essentially, just forget about it. don't think about it. i suppose it helps, if you are depressingly crippled by your traumas and not socially functioning, but i'm not that; i can function. so, i'm gonna be asking the therapist for a more in depth help of how to get rid of this trauma, instead of just forgetting it, and actually actively work on getting rid of it
there are also some other problems i have (about myself, not the therapist) that i haven't shared yet, so, that's also my opportunity to talk about with him..
i'm gonna eventually start learning japanese soon. this'll impede my viosa learning for sure, but i wanna continue with japanese. even just being in thailand, i'm already so immersed in japanese, all i need to do to start learning japanese is to just start. and no, not with duolingo, duolingo sucks.
fyi, my name in japanese is 紙／カミ。i recently just learnt that kami can also mean hair, but i have long hair, so it works out
imagine 長い髪 wwwwwwwwwwwww.
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13 july 2023

hithis is my first time trying to write some sort of blog. it isn't the first time i've tried to journal something down tho, but that's for another dayi usually journal at the end of the day, but y'know.
today, youtube recommended me this video and i went down in a rabbit hole of trying to convert audio down to as low bitrate as possiblei remember doing this last year, eventually settling on a program called fre:ac, which has speex, which is able to support audio down to 2kbps.
today, i tried doing the same thing again. i had to get my old laptop out and boot it up to find out what the name of the program was, because i forgot
i tried to convert music into 2kbps again. however, there wasn't an option to convert music to 2kbps anymore, only 4kbps.what my reserach boiled down to is basically: there's 2 codecs that are available that can yield you impressively low audio bitrate: speex at 2kbps lowest, and codec 2, at an impressively 450 bps at its lowest.
because i'm not a tech savvy, i have no idea how to use these publicly available codecs to convert my music to its codec, and so i needed to rely on available software to do it. fre:ac supports speex, but i haven't been able to find one for codec 2 yet. someone on reddit said that you can use freedv to convert your music into codec 2, but i downloaded it and have no idea how to convert my music at all. if anyone else who wants to try this out and tell me how you can convert music into 450bps using freedv or codec 2, PLEASE contact me..
what's funny is that, in a few hours, i have to go to bangkok and take tests that may make me stay in highschool or become a neet. and all of the prep that i've done is... trying to convert my music to abysmal amounts of bitrate.i don't have much anxiety about my upcoming tests, because i know i can do them. if i fail the tests, i just retake them. if i past, then goodi'm not sure what i should do after i finish highschool. my parents just basically told me that we're gonna travel alot, because my school life has ended now..
i think i started school life and ended school life as a failure. i gained no friends that i can hang out with all the time throughout my entire life. in grade school, i'm just confused. in high school, i have to deal with teachers and school stuff.maybe the future will hold a better life for me, but for now, i'll just do my test and after that, i'll just do whatever makes me feel comfy.i know i said this on twitter already, but i still look up to and is reflected by this comic by lily that she made a while ago. i enjoy creating and sharing..
i might sing and make music in the future. who knows
i enjoy singing. the extent of how bad you are at singing is basically how bad you think you are at singing.
if you enjoy singing, then you're good at it, because you like doing it..
my submission for the when the saints go marching in didn't get placed in the top 15, but they did link to my video in the description, which i think is a good enough accomplishment hehe. i wasn't expecting any high places, i just wanted them to laugh and have fun with my submission.